Only read this if you want a good laugh.

Grandpa: “My stomach hurts.”

Jill: “You need your Omeprazole. We’ve been out of it for a couple of days and that’s why your stomach hurts.”

My husband Robert takes an Omeprozal pill and hands it to Grandpa, laying the box down on the table across from him.

Grandpa starts swinging his pill container to catch the edge of the box so he can get it near enough to him to grab.

Robert notices he’s trying to get the box. “What do you want Grandpa?” he says in a loud voice (so Grandpa could hear him).

Grandpa jumps in his wheel chair. “What are you you yelling at me for?” Grandpa says, getting angry.

“Because you can’t hear me.” Robert replies.

“Do you want him to read the insert?” Robert asks me.

“I don’t care,” I say, trying to concentrate on the work I am doing at the computer which is a few feet away.

Big mistake.

Grandpa starts reading the drug insert. After a few minutes he says, “I don’t have chronic heartburn,” he says.

“Yes you do, Grandpa,” I said. “You’ve been on that drug for a long time.Β  You have acid reflux and you were without Omeprazole for two days, so now you have heartburn again.”

Mr. Hypochondriac continues his self diagnosis. “I don’t have chronic heartburn,” he says again.

He sits at the table for a half hour stewing over the fact that he is positive he doesn’t have chronic acid problems. I’m ignoring the fact that he is moping… I get up and start to make dinner.

“Do you read directions?” he asked.

“Why are you asking me that?” I replied

“I just want to know.”

“Does this have to do with your medicine?” I ask, knowing full well it does.

“Well, the directions say you shouldn’t use that product if you don’t have chronic heart burn.”

“You have chronic heartburn, Grandpa. You’re always eating Tums. You just told me that you take a Tums every night. That means you have chronic heart burn!”

I explain to him that his other medicine causes heart burn and that’s why he needs to take Omeprozol which he’s been on the whole time we’ve been taking care of him (three years). Every time we run out, he only lasts a couple of days and then he starts complaining of acid reflux – because he has “chronic heart burn.” I give up, I say to myself.

Grandpa finishes dinner.

“Time to brush your teeth, Grandpa, and go to bed.”

While Robert is getting Grandpa ready for bed, the crazy argument continues.

“If I was Jill I would go to the doctor with the instructions and tell him he is wrong,” Grandpa says, trying to get one last lick in before bedtime…

“If you were Jill, you could wear a dress,” Robert replied.

My stomach hurts now. Oddly enough after a little health episode of my own in January, I was prescribed Omeprazole. I don’t take it however. I don’t have chronic heart burn. But I’m sure burning tonight!