Through the Windowpane
“For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
I finally know what’s been bothering me. It’s the weight of being totally responsible for Grandpa. I can’t drive him home at night to be locked behind the doors of a nursing home, to be someone else’s responsibility. He’s mine and my family’s now. Yes, I’m responsible for my children, too – that’s a given, but for the most part they’re healthy. They have medical issues now and then, but Grandpa is fragile – all the time – and that’s what I’m not used to.
I’ve pretty much had a sinking feeling inside for months, a certain dread that I haven’t been able to give voice to until now. Suddenly, I’m keenly aware of the “what if’s” of life. For the first time, I can truly sympathize with those who care for loved ones with disabilities and fear circumstances which beyond control might upset the delicate balance of care they so desperately need. Knowing how dependent Grandpa is upon us for his personal hygiene, medicine, and daily substance, the weight of being totally responsible for this little old man in any catastrophic situation scares me to death.
To illustrate my point, yesterday, Grandpa was having an “off” day. I got to his house about 1:00 p.m. and he was barely awake. He was actually “sleep eating” at the table, a semi-conscious state in which one eats a whole meal with their eyes closed. He informed me that he was having what Parkinson’s calls an “off day.” I tried to remain optimistic and encouraged him that the Bible says, “…For when I am weak, then I am strong..,” and that he could call it his “Jesus Day” instead.
I know it sounds ridiculous to say that to someone when they’re so out of it, but Grandpa just thrives on that kind of encouragement. Over the years, he has become quite an optimistic person, saying you can’t help but be that way with the Lord.
“What did you call it, again?” he asked.
“Your Jesus day, Dad,” I said. “Your Jesus day. When you are weak, He is strong.”
When I went to give him his lunch pills, I noticed the blue one was missing. That’s when he told me that he had only six pills for breakfast, instead of usual eight (he’s very sharp). Claire thought the medicine was at Walgreen’s waiting to be picked up, but I just hadn’t put it in the pill box yet. When I looked in his medicine tray, I could see that he had missed a Carbidopa, one of his Parkinson’s pills, and Aricept, one of his memory medicines (I don’t really know why he is on that – he doesn’t have Alseimers). Aricept is a very strong medicine and I would like to see him off of it or on the most minimal dosage in the future, but I don’t know if that is possible.
Just missing those two pills in the morning, severely affected Grandpa’s ability to function. Instead of having a productive day, sticking to his exercise routine and working on his book, he sat in front of the TV all day long and didn’t wake up until about 6:00 p.m. We experienced some of this behavior when we first brought him home and he was still on the Benzatropine. Seeing him dazed and struggling to come out of a fog brought me right back to my greatest fears about caring for him in a crisis situation. What can I do to make sure that we don’t run out of dad’s medicine in the future? They suggest keeping an emergency supply on hand, and I plan to, but this medicine is expensive. Still, I will have to try to squeeze that purchase in somewhere between rent, utilities, food and supplemental insurance payments.
Sorting through my feelings made me wonder how many older folks died during Hurricane Katrina? One article said nearly 200 senior citizens died in part from preexisting health problems such as Parkinson’s and heart attacks. Although hurricane conditions will never happen in the Midwest, any interruption in our ability to purchase diapers, wipes, and medicine, not to mention not being able to access water or electricity would be disastrous. We use a lot of water daily to wash grandpa’s sheets and clothes .
Hence my greatest fear – not being able to keep Grandpa clean and smelling sweet.
My only recourse is to cast my fear and anxiety on the Lord because the truth is that Grandpa is really His responsibility. Although we are living in uncertain times, our God shall supply all our needs according to His riches in glory. I truly believe that God is sovereign over the “what if’s” of life, 90-year-old Grandpas and 53-year-old daughters who need to be reminded that every day can be a “Jesus Day” especially when we lack the strength to make it on our own.
Who wants to go it alone anyway? Jesus is all we really need. “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
God’s grace is sufficient for every need – especially the “what if’s” of life.
In August, after a month-long heat wave subsided, I moved my lawn chair to the southeast corner of the garden under the branches of a young walnut tree. The leaves were lush and green, and it was a pleasant place to view the beans and cucumbers “close up” and from a new perspective. The tree was the size of a small bush when we first moved here and there were many times I thought that it should be chopped down, especially when my husband tilled a new garden plot around it, but I am glad he left it alone, because it has earned a cherished place in my heart.
We had lots of rain this summer, too much in fact. The walnut tree started losing its leaves early in September, a good month before the first frost. Once again I searched for a place in the shade. I hadn’t been up to the garden for a few days, and as I slowly navigated up the hill – coffee cup and journal in one hand, lawn chair in the other – I saw walnuts lying on the ground under the tree.
Suddenly I remembered another time in October, a day cool and delicious like this one, when my mother and I picked walnuts on the side of the road in the nearby town of Long Grove. I can still see the sun filtering through the yellow leaves of two huge walnut trees and hundreds of bright green husks lying on the gravel. I remember how we filled our baskets over and over again, dumping our stockpile into boxes in the back of mom’s brown station wagon. The beauty of that day lingers in my memory.
After reading my Bible and journaling for a while, I picked one of the last bushels of beans from this year’s harvest and headed back down to the house. I accidentally left my camera hanging from one of the trellises, and sent Elizabeth up to fetch it. She saw the walnuts lying on the ground, too. When she came back down to the house she said, “Mom, I want to make ink out of the walnuts.” I thought to myself, Oh Lord, I see the connection you’re making – special moments planted in the fertile soil of a young girl’s heart – seasonal traditions passed down from mother to daughter on hazy October days.
We filled a cast iron Dutch oven with water and walnuts to slowly simmer on the stove. Hours later, after some of the liquid evaporated, we added a tablespoon of gum arabic (a preservative used in making ink) and a tablespoon of vinegar.When I researched how to make walnut ink on the internet, I came across the Hammon’s black walnut site. I was tickled by a sentence I read, “Black walnuts are a hands-on product, from planting to harvest to final processing.” “That’s it,” I exclaimed to my children. “That’s my job. To give you a hunger and thirst for the Lord – from planting to harvest to final processing!”
After my mother became a Christian, she gave me that hunger, born out of the pain and suffering she experienced as she bravely fought against a debilitating disease. My father recently wrote a letter to us kids (there’s five of us), and included this sentiment about her. “Your mom was the fire that lit all of our lives; we should always remember her with reverence and gratitude for her relentless effort to get us all saved.”
My mother led me to the Lord in her living room and I am forever in her debt. She showed me how walk by faith through the good times and bad, especially when God moves your chair – through circumstances – to another window or in this case another side of the garden, to help you gain a heavenly perspective and a whole new outlook on life.
I don’t know what prompted my mother to invite me to go walnut picking. I’m glad we had a few special times together before she died because I was married and busy with a life of my own and looking back now, my visits were all too infrequent. After she passed away, I was helping my father get ready for a rummage sale when I discovered several cans of walnuts in their basement. A warm feeling washed over me. I brought those cans home as memorial of our relationship and kept them in the back of my closet for the longest time.
I wonder, come next fall, if Elizabeth will remember the special time we had together this year making ink. Will the golden haze of October remind her that it’s time to gather walnuts? The Lord willing, I will be ready and waiting with my basket at the garden’s edge…
“I’m having a hard time beginning this entry,” I told Grandpa.
“Do you want help?” he said.
“Yes, if you can think of anything, I’d appreciate it,” I replied.
“But then it wouldn’t be you,” he said. “I’m thinking of something, but I don’t want to give it to you. I don’t want to be a ghost writer.”
A ghost writer, ha! That’s a good one. In a sense, Grandpa has been a ghost writer ever since he came home because all my subject matter originates with him. He’s a ghost writer, all right – once removed. There’s never a shortage of material, and although it may not be the most popular subject in the world – the trials and tribulations of taking care of an elderly parent – it is an opportunity to record a legacy for my children and stay somewhat sane through the process of journaling.
For instance, this post is about the terrible time we’ve had keeping Grandpa looking presentable. It’s much harder than you would imagine. He came home from the nursing home with a limited number of dress pants and khakis, and after a year of washing, they don’t launder well. I’ve added a few more khakis to his wardrobe, purchased from the Goodwill, but they were already worn to begin with, so lately, Grandpa has been looking a little disheveled, especially from the waist down.
To keep Grandpa smelling fresh, we wash his clothes daily, and the sad reality is, we don’t have the energy to iron them too. Besides all of the other duties we perform for Grandpa such as showering him, changing him three times a day, helping him get where he needs to go, and cooking three square meals, ironing doesn’t fall under the category of the urgent.
Anyway, let’s be realistic. We’re not living in the days of June Cleaver or Alice from the Brady Bunch (although having a live-in maid would defiantly solve the problem). No, we’re living in the days of permanent press and wrinkle-free cycles, so you really have to ignore standard operating procedures to achieve maximum wrinkle-free results by cramming clean clothes into laundry baskets and leaving them sitting around for a while so they can wrinkle again.
Because I don’t live at Grandpa’s, a lot of laundry goes undetected by my mommy radar. Most mothers possess a sixth sense regarding laundry that needs to be taken out of the dryer or promptly shook out and hung up from the basket. I’m not really sure what the issue is here. It could be because the washer and dryer are in the basement and the laundry isn’t being brought up on a daily basis, but the more I think about it, it’s probably the fact that the buzzer is broken on the dryer. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard it go off since we’ve been taking care of Grandpa. The truth be told, out of sight – out of mind. I’m out of sync with the wash!
If Grandpa’s pants were removed from the dryer immediately and hung on a hanger, we could possibly eliminate the need for ironing all together. But since we don’t know when the clothes are done drying, and the dryer is not likely to be fixed any time soon, we’ll just have to buy a few more pairs of $10.00 Wranglers from Wal-Mart.
As with most of the obstacles we’ve encountered, we accidentally stumbled onto a solution for this new challenge. Grandpa asked for a pair of blue jeans for his birthday, so Eric purchased what is supposedly his very first pair ever from Wal-Mart. When I saw Grandpa in his Wranglers, I said, “EUREKA! Why didn’t we think of that sooner?” I mean, you really have to do a lot to mess up a pair of blue jeans. For the most part, they will only get softer and better looking the more we wash them.
There are no words to describe how cute and wrinkle-free Grandpa looks in his Wranglers. A picture will have to do, only I’ll have to wait to take one because Grandpa’s Wranglers are in the wash. I have been informed by certain members of the family (who wish to remain anonymous), that it takes two days for the laundry to be brought up from the dark abyss. No wranglin’ about that!
This morning, when I stopped over at Grandpa’s house with some groceries, Claire had already given him a shower. She was almost done helping him dress, when I saw him pat her arm appreciatively. It touched me deeply to see him express his gratefulness in such an endearing way.
I thought of how he had drifted out of our lives and how painful it was to feel like we could never really connect with him. He was always so busy. The scene unfolding before me, the capable granddaughter caring for the needy grandfather was truly a grace-filled moment.
It is so important to touch daily – to connect – to reach out to give and receive love.
Grandpa let me know a few months ago how much he appreciates the way Claire gives him a shower. She has the special touch he needs–a touch he never received as a child. I remember, when he was younger (the time I was growing up in his house), how he never liked to shampoo his hair. He would drench it with Vitalis. A few months ago, I heard mention of him wanting a bottle again, but I don’t think he’s going to need it. He loves having his scalp messaged and shampooed by Claire. I’m going to have her train me in the art of grooming Grandpa.
Claire’s sacrifice was two-fold this morning, though – taking care of Grandpa and letting her brother sleep in. Eric has been getting Grandpa up almost singlehandedly since January. She commented that it made her feel like a good sister to let him sleep while she got Grandpa up and going. Her selflessness is beautiful to me.
My children are giving their all to help with Grandpa and I know these sacrificial acts of love will be rewarded by Jesus himself who came to serve and not be served. Yes, because He first loved us, we can find the strength to love and serve the needy among us – prodigal Grandpas who have returned to the security of family.
I am in awe of my older children and what they are doing for their Grandpa. I don’t say that because they are my children. That alone would not be enough to equip them for the task. They belong to the Lord and he gives them the strength they need daily to minister to their Grandpa in his old age. This is a season of touching and being touched, by God and each other…
When I kissed Grandpa goodbye on his head, his hair was soft, fragrant and clean – full of the vitality that comes from being loved and taken care of in your old age.
I heard the verse below being quoted on the radio as I pulled away from Grandpa’s house. My breath caught in my throat…“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.” Matthew 25:34